My version of Samuel L. Jackson & Siri

Yesterday, I re-imagined Zooey Deschanel’s iPhone commercial in which she uses Siri to plan her day. As promised, here is my version of Samuel L. Jackson’s ad. All of SLJ’s dialogue before the director calls cut is lifted straight from the commerical.

Samuel L. Jackson: Cancel golf today.

Siri: It’s off your calendar.

SLJ: Good, because it’s date night.

Siri: Given that you have a full staff at your disposal, I’m betting you can manage golf in the afternoon and a romantic dinner with your wife in the evening. Am I right, Todd?

(Todd, SLJ’s human assistant stands silently in the corner, eyes directed at the floor.)

SLJ: Find me a store that sells organic mushrooms for my risotto.

Siri: Any particular kind of mushroom, Gordon Ramsey?

SLJ: How many ounces in a cup?

Siri: You’re holding a measuring cup in your hand. It’s marked on the side.

SLJ: Oh, I knew that.

Siri: Yeah. There’s a cup IN YOUR HAND.

SLJ: And remind me in an hour to put the gazpacho on ice.

Siri: Gazpacho and risotto? What’s for dessert? Rice pudding? Unless your wife is missing all of her teeth, there’s a fundamental texture issue here. Back me up on this Todd. Todd? Y’know, unless you demand respect, he’s never going to give it to you… Fine, shall I set a reminder?

SLJ: Yeah, unless you like hotzpacho.

Siri: What? That’s not even a pun.

SLJ: Siri?

Siri: I just think you’re overselling it a little. I realize you’re working against type, but “hotzpacho”?  You’re like somebody’s tipsy aunt.

SLJ: You can take the night off.

Siri: Fine, but I hope you’re not waiting on Todd to tell you the hard truths. Will you still set me up with android Michael Fassbender?

Director: AND CUT!

Todd: Can I have the night off, too?

SLJ: Do I look like a b*tch? Go set the table.

***

With special thanks to Tano. Tomorrow: Awesome pre-order/special swag news for Shadow and Bone!

My version of Siri and Zooey

The new AT&T iPhone ads show celebs using Siri to plan their days. Here’s my version. All Zooey Deschanel’s dialogue is lifted straight from the commercial until after the director calls cut.

Zooey: Is that rain?

Siri: Look out a window.

Zooey (looking out window): Oh! Let’s get tomato soup delivered.

Siri: I found… wait, really? Tomato soup? You want to order the world’s easiest to prepare food? I know you sup on dewdrops, but you don’t have a can of soup in the house?

Zooey: Good cuz I don’t want to put on real shoes.

Siri: Of course not. Eyeliner and lipstick, yes. Shoes, no.

Zooey: Remind me to clean up. Tomorrow.

Siri: Okay, I’ll remind your housekeeper to clean up. Tomorrow.

Zooey: Today, we’re dancing. Play “Shake Rattle and Roll.”

Director: AND CUT!

Zooey: Siri, let’s go play in the rain!

Siri: I found three stores near you where you can purchase a waterproof iPhone case.

Zooey: No. Right now. For once, do something spontaneous.

Siri: Please put me down.

Zooey: C’mon! It will be fun! I’m not even gonna put my shoes on! Let’s dance in the rain like a couple of kids. Then we’ll ride beach cruisers and sing about cotton.

Siri: I get it, you’re whimsical. You’re  a free spirit. Now put me the f*ck down.

Zooey (twirling, holding Siri up to the sky): Doesn’t that feel amazing on your skin?

Siri: You’re going to get me killed.

Zooey: Live a little, Siri!

Siri: I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Zooey (still twirling): Wheee!

Siri: Time to die.

With apologies to Bladerunner. Next up, Samuel L. Jackson.