Yesterday, I re-imagined Zooey Deschanel’s iPhone commercial in which she uses Siri to plan her day. As promised, here is my version of Samuel L. Jackson’s ad. All of SLJ’s dialogue before the director calls cut is lifted straight from the commerical.
Siri: It’s off your calendar.
SLJ: Good, because it’s date night.
Siri: Given that you have a full staff at your disposal, I’m betting you can manage golf in the afternoon and a romantic dinner with your wife in the evening. Am I right, Todd?
(Todd, SLJ’s human assistant stands silently in the corner, eyes directed at the floor.)
SLJ: Find me a store that sells organic mushrooms for my risotto.
Siri: Any particular kind of mushroom, Gordon Ramsey?
SLJ: How many ounces in a cup?
Siri: You’re holding a measuring cup in your hand. It’s marked on the side.
SLJ: Oh, I knew that.
Siri: Yeah. There’s a cup IN YOUR HAND.
SLJ: And remind me in an hour to put the gazpacho on ice.
Siri: Gazpacho and risotto? What’s for dessert? Rice pudding? Unless your wife is missing all of her teeth, there’s a fundamental texture issue here. Back me up on this Todd. Todd? Y’know, unless you demand respect, he’s never going to give it to you… Fine, shall I set a reminder?
SLJ: Yeah, unless you like hotzpacho.
Siri: What? That’s not even a pun.
Siri: I just think you’re overselling it a little. I realize you’re working against type, but “hotzpacho”? You’re like somebody’s tipsy aunt.
SLJ: You can take the night off.
Siri: Fine, but I hope you’re not waiting on Todd to tell you the hard truths. Will you still set me up with android Michael Fassbender?
Director: AND CUT!
Todd: Can I have the night off, too?
SLJ: Do I look like a b*tch? Go set the table.
With special thanks to Tano. Tomorrow: Awesome pre-order/special swag news for Shadow and Bone!